I was out picking up my son from school last week and we were doing fine until we were almost home and he asked me if he could drive the rest of the way on our private dirt road.  No was what I wanted to say because I didn’t want the hassle of changing seats and dealing with any “curve balls”.  But I said yes and as we started down the road we got into a tiff about whether he had run over something in the road.  At that point he insisted that he turn around and show me that he hadn’t, which escalated the tension between us.  Then, as we are almost home we started arguing about how controlling he thinks I am when I let him drive, which got me even more riled.  When we got out of the car, I called his attention to some paint he had left in the driveway that he needed to clean up, which caused him to push back with a remark about just leaving it and how it would eventually get ground into the dirt.

At this point I was rattled, had groceries to unload, was hungry and just remembered a phone call that was scheduled to start in five minutes.   So I lost it and yelled at him that his arguing and bad attitude had caused me to now be late in getting ready for my call, that I really had wanted to say no to him driving because it’s too much of a hassle dealing with his pushy behavior, and that he will need to remove all of the paint before he can get on his phone!  I yelled all of that with a ton of blame, messages that he is wrong and it was his fault that I was going to be late for my incoming call.

Well I stormed into my office and got on my call, but knew in my heart that I hadn’t handled that situation very well. I know now that whenever I go into a yelling rant, that I’m not in my center and am certainly not being the kind of parent that I want to be.  P.S. It was a call about offering a parenting class!  How perfect!

My Part of the Situation

After the call, I returned to the incident with my son by looking at my part in the dynamic.  I realized that it was my fault that I didn’t remember my phone call and made sure we got home on time.  I was also aware that I was hungry and yes, I was being very controlling about how he was driving.  Overall I realized that although he, too. had contributed to the dynamic by pushing back at whatever I said, my part was that I handled it with an irritated, controlling, blaming energy toward him.

Time to apologize!  It’s always a bit humbling when I realize that it is totally my role to apologize to my children first.  It goes against that parent voice that says “I’m the mother and even if I’m a monster mom right now, well too bad, he deserved it, he made me feel that way.”  No, actually our children never MAKE us feel any way, it is we who choose our reaction every time.  There are at least ten different ways to respond to any situation and I am the one who decides.  Okay, so when I’m low blood sugar, a bit tired, and not feeling very patient, or fun, I often let the irritated “default mom” react to the situation.

When You don’t Feel good, an Apology is Probably in Order

But I didn’t feel good about it and I knew I needed to apologize.  So I went into my son’s room and I told him I was sorry about what I said.  I admitted that I was the one who forgot about my phone appointment and to get us home earlier, and that I WAS being very controlling about his driving, and that I didn’t need to have been so angry.  He thanked me for my apology and then apologized for getting paint on the driveway.  We hugged and felt that we had returned to our love and respect for each other, which felt healing to the relationship and totally cleared the tension between us.

Conscious Parenting is Self Reflective Parenting

We aren’t always perfect but our job, and opportunity, as conscious parents is self reflection and then apologizing to our children for whatever negativity we bring to a situation.   They not only appreciate it but they feel respected and may be more willing to offer an apology back to us at some other time. It’s very powerful when parents are willing to apologize to their children.  It communicates that we aren’t always right, patient, or acting from our best self.  It shows that we are aware that our behavior may have hurt our child and we want to make amends.  Next time you catch yourself loosing it, you can always try following up with an apology and a hug.