Positive Assumptions….As opposed to negative ones!  A few months ago I got into this negative attitude, a pattern of assumptions about how often my son didn’t do the things I would ask him to do.  In a given week there were usually four or five chores that I would give him, and even remind him of only to find later that day or the next morning that they still weren’t done. Clean up the dog deposits in they yard, pick up your tools and things in the garage, clean all of your junk out of the car…you know the kinds of things that may not be regular chores, but they need to get done whenever.

One approach is to learn some new parenting skills about how to ask more effectively, when to issue stricter consequences, or other techniques for changing his behavior.  And although those parenting tools are totally helpful and necessary to work with as well, what I became aware of was my part of the equation, which actually came first.

My part of the equation was that I had gotten into a habit of assuming that he hadn’t done what I asked.  After enough times of him not doing what was asked, I began to assume that the recent request, too, was probably not done.  Then when I went to check on that chore, sure enough if it wasn’t done that would just reinforce this negative mindset I was accumulating about the whole dynamic.  This led to me becoming more frustrated about his disregard for what I said and so I would hang on to it and then when he came home from school I was ready to confront him about it and let him know he had messed up, again.  His response of course was feeling irritated, having an excuse, or mouthing something back at me. Can you relate?

So, there is a lot to unpack in these kinds of dynamics we get into with our children, although I’ll save the bulk of that for another time.  However, in the journey of conscious parenting, we become aware that our behavior, attitudes and expectations have a huge impact on the dynamics we have with our children.

When I realized that I started having these negative assumptions that my son probably hadn’t done what I asked him to, and was validated after checking, I realized that this was starting to add to the problem!  I find the principle of “What You Focus on Expands” to be very true.  When I remembered this I became aware that I was adding more fuel to the fire by starting to assume that he would forget.  The whole thing kept escalating over the weeks. At this point I realized that I needed to shift toward positive assumptions about my son, and positive ways to help him be successful.  This was a key ingredient on my part and I knew that he would sense the difference in how I treated him, even if we never talked about it.

Positive Assumptions are when we step back and choose new assumptions about our children that are supportive of their development, their struggles and their desire to grow and do their best.  Our children want to succeed, they really do.  They want us to help them do their best, and to know that we will keep helping them succeed, over and over again.  It’s totally unrealistic to think that we could teach our child how to execute a certain task and then to assume that they’ve got it now and they will always do it exactly that way.  Children are continually growing in their ability to understand instructions, follow through on details, comprehend the larger goal, etc.  We are helping them do that over the years so that by the time they are in their later teen years they really do have it down.

Positive assumptions are the attitudes we hold toward our children that come from a place of support, caring, and willingness to keep on keeping on with parenting.  Whether it is in regards to their school work, their responsibilities, or other areas, we can help by assuming the best about them.  Positive assumptions, however, are not about letting our children off the hook repeatedly, giving up on them, or doing things ourselves because it’s just easier.

Some examples of Positive Assumptions include:

1) Assume that your child will do what you ask, maybe not every time, but more often.  Stop making it a bigger problem by focusing on the negative side of things.

2) Show your love and support for him first, when he comes home.  Wait to deal with the undone chores until after she’s had a chance to just arrive. (Our teens, especially, still need to feel our love and support for them, even in the midst of them really wanting to pull away and be independent!)  Find a better time to make requests whenever possible.

3) Assume that you can keep finding new strategies, and be willing to make some changes.

4) “Choose your battles”, oh yes. There are many things that we can choose to make an issue of and battle over with our children.  It’s better to choose which battle are the most worth having and let some of the smaller ones go.  Too many battles wear away at the love and create more tension in the home.

5)  Assume that your child is doing the best s/he can, even if it doesn’t seem like it.  Remind yourself that there are a lot of things that our children deal with in a day that we don’t have a clue about.  Assume that you can keep working on this and it will improve.

6) Remember to lead with love, for yourself first and then your child.  You are both still works in progress, so here we go again!  Oh the joys of parenting!  Assume the best of you both.

The assumptions, attitudes and mindset we hold about our child fills the atmosphere of our home, and our children pick up on these assumptions and attitudes from us.  We might think that we can have our own thoughts that others don’t know, but in family units there is a whole lot that goes on in the unspoken realm of life.  Negative assumptions about our children hang like dark clouds in the rooms of our home, creating all kinds of reactions from our children.  And much of it is unconscious on both the part of the parent and the child.

Assume more positive things about your child, remembering that at the deepest level they are on their own soul journey, with their own lessons to learn, juggling many things that we are not privy to.  And then notice how your different attitude toward them (along with some new parenting tools) effects your dynamic together.  I hope you notice a difference!